After years of wondering “What is it about me that people cant seem to stand?” I finally found the answer to my question.

It had been a while since I’d really gone out of my way to meet a new person thinking of them as a possible friend. I’ve met new people because of work but they are coworkers and although friendships definitely can develop from this work relationship, they are in themselves not people you immediately view as “I want to be your friend.” The same can be said about going to a new church, a new gym, a new hair salon etc.  Although these are places where acquaintances can develop into friends, the situation is very different from meeting up with someone you’ve never spent time with before for the soul purpose of becoming friends.

All this to say, I did that the other day. I met up with someone who I very lightly knew through other friends but had never spent time with or had a conversation with myself.  We spent the day together, talked, laughed, went for dinner, and said at the end “I had fun, we should do this again.”  Which for me was a completely true statement, but in my head I had this nagging voice telling me “They’re lying, they don’t really want to spend time with you again, you’re boring.”

Where in the world did that come from?  They seemed to have had a wonderful time and even made sure to say things affirming this.  So why did I feel like they were lying?

After spending time thinking about it, I came to a realization that I expect people not to like me.  I expect people to judge me by my appearance, by my over analytical way of thinking, by my lack of excitement over most things, by my way of conversation, basically all of my flaws.  I realized that through being hurt by these things in the past, I’ve made myself subconsciously categorize every other person into the boiling kettle of “Superficial and unkind people.” This has caused me not to trust people when they say simple things like ”It was nice meeting you” or “I had fun hanging out today.” Always assuming that they’re just saying it because it’s the polite thing to say.

I’ve realized that the question is not “What is it about me that people can’t seem to stand?” As much as it is whether or not I am truly giving them a chance. I have seen a fault in myself and I no longer want it to stay this way.  I’ve realized it, I’ve aknowledged it to others, and I am working on it.

To all of you that have seen this side of me, I apologize in the most sincere of ways, and I hope and pray that our friendships can become more personal and won’t be cut off by my fear of being judged.

I love you all, truthfully.