While sitting in the library the other day for no real reason other than to enjoy the wonderful smell of old books and trying to see if I could find something to pass the few hours ahead of me, I stumbled upon the magazine section and found my vices, Vogue (For the fashion crazed metrosexual man inside of me), Car And Driver (For the masculine vehicle obsessed man inside me) and Psychology Today (For the… well I’m not really sure what for, but I love it)

Anyways, as I was reading an article in Psychology Today titled “Who Are You? (And What do You Think of Me?)” I found the topics of the artical incredibly interesting and the following passage to be extremely helpful in understanding some things about my, and many other people’s, simple question of “How in the world did he/she ever get all this power?” and also understanding how to deal with anyone in a position of power, whether great or small. 

“Power turns people into “raving sociopaths,” says Dacher Keltner, professor of psychology at the University of California at Berkeley. It distorts the way they see themselves. They have a hard time seeing the world from other people’s points of view. They judge others less accurately. They interrupt others. They speak out of turn. Their behavior becomes insensitive—often in a costly fashion.

The cost tends to be outsize risk-takingdirectly stemming from overconfidence. Think of John F. Kennedy invading Cuba. Or of the recent financial collapse. “These are instances in which people felt excessively empowered,” Keltner contends.

That, he notes, is the central paradox of power. The skills that lead to obtaining power deteriorate once power is obtained.”  -  Hara Estroff Marano of Psychology Today Magazine

After reading this, the only thing I could do was to remember that God is the only true power and the only one who can be consistently good, merciful and righteous with it, and although I may disagree and have issues with some people who have worldly power over me at times, the Bible says in Romans 13:1

“Let everyone be subject to the governing authorities, for there is no authority except that which God has established. The authorities that exist have been established by God.”

As well as these things, I must also remember that any “power” which I attain here on earth is completely a gift from God and should be treated as so, with all praise being given to God.  So just as it says in Jude 1:25

“All glory to him who alone is God, our Savior through Jesus Christ our Lord. All glory, majesty, power, and authority are his before all time, and in the present, and beyond all time! Amen.”

After years of wondering “What is it about me that people cant seem to stand?” I finally found the answer to my question.

It had been a while since I’d really gone out of my way to meet a new person thinking of them as a possible friend. I’ve met new people because of work but they are coworkers and although friendships definitely can develop from this work relationship, they are in themselves not people you immediately view as “I want to be your friend.” The same can be said about going to a new church, a new gym, a new hair salon etc.  Although these are places where acquaintances can develop into friends, the situation is very different from meeting up with someone you’ve never spent time with before for the soul purpose of becoming friends.

All this to say, I did that the other day. I met up with someone who I very lightly knew through other friends but had never spent time with or had a conversation with myself.  We spent the day together, talked, laughed, went for dinner, and said at the end “I had fun, we should do this again.”  Which for me was a completely true statement, but in my head I had this nagging voice telling me “They’re lying, they don’t really want to spend time with you again, you’re boring.”

Where in the world did that come from?  They seemed to have had a wonderful time and even made sure to say things affirming this.  So why did I feel like they were lying?

After spending time thinking about it, I came to a realization that I expect people not to like me.  I expect people to judge me by my appearance, by my over analytical way of thinking, by my lack of excitement over most things, by my way of conversation, basically all of my flaws.  I realized that through being hurt by these things in the past, I’ve made myself subconsciously categorize every other person into the boiling kettle of “Superficial and unkind people.” This has caused me not to trust people when they say simple things like ”It was nice meeting you” or “I had fun hanging out today.” Always assuming that they’re just saying it because it’s the polite thing to say.

I’ve realized that the question is not “What is it about me that people can’t seem to stand?” As much as it is whether or not I am truly giving them a chance. I have seen a fault in myself and I no longer want it to stay this way.  I’ve realized it, I’ve aknowledged it to others, and I am working on it.

To all of you that have seen this side of me, I apologize in the most sincere of ways, and I hope and pray that our friendships can become more personal and won’t be cut off by my fear of being judged.

I love you all, truthfully.

I find it very upsetting that I feel as though I have come to a point in life where many of my former “closest friends” don’t believe our relationship or any other relationship is worth the risk of time.

I have never been an overwhelming fan of what most people consider the “necessary” parts of life.  Things such as school and work, i view them only as secondary importance to relationships.  I have been told before that this is not a very “future insuring” way to view life, But to me, I know that anything I set my mind to, I can do.  If my desire is to become well off and never have to worry about money again, I could do it.  If my desire was to travel the world without a thought of responsibility, I could do it.  If my desire was to become an indie rock sensation, I could do it.  But, although those things very much interest me,  they are not what I desire.

Money and possessions have never overly interested me, neither has fame nor intelligence.  I desire above all, to honer and please my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.  God’s Word says I should honer Him in all things, love Him with all my heart soul and mind and obey his commandments.

But, I feel like Christ would agree with me when i say that aside from God, People are the most important thing in life.  When God created man he saw that he was lonely and so he created woman.  We have been designed to need each other.  There is a song by the band Sanctus Real where the opening line is “I think I caught a glimpse of Life without friends, Bitter, empty, hollow, dark and lonely”, and who could disagree?  Where would we be if we had no one else?  I feel like our culture has become so overly focused on proving that they can “Get by just fine on my own”.  My only question to that is, why in the world would you want to just “get by” when you could be living so much more full and happily if you were sharing it with others? Yes, I’ll be the first to admit that relationships with others are hard, and it isn’t unlikely that you’ll get hurt by some, but really? would you rather be lonely and “self made” living in your comfort by yourself? Or be humble, happy and loved?

I’m not saying I dont think you should want the best for yourself, I think its wonderful when people pursue the dreams they have.  I know I’m pursing mine.  My only issue is when it breaks your relationships with the ones you love.  This has been happening to me, which i understand I am at the point of life where most things do have to change as myself and my friends become “Adults”, but does a phone call really hurt that much? Are you really to busy to simply say “hello”?

How much do the people you clam to love really mean to you?

Just think about it.

It has recently become real to me the fact that, despite all my efforts, I am still and while on this earth always will be, a sinner in need of Gods endless grace…

This is a fact of being human. No matter what we do, no matter who we are, we are still no where near Gods idea of “good enough” and seeing as how perfection is the only acceptable version of life in his eyes I doubt that any of us will ever be.

But, seeing that Christ lived fully as man on Earth and was able to be blameless and without sin for the entirety of his life here, it seems within believability that there must be a point in faith that sin becomes nothing more than a temptation which is quickly beaten away by Gods presence and holiness in your life.

I always seem to have the excuse after I do something knowingly wrong that “Oh, im just human, it happens”.  Looking at that response now, i wonder why i would ever imagine that as being a reasonable thing to say to prove “I’m really not that bad”

Not that bad?  What does that even mean?  In Gods eyes all sins are equal, which honestly seems odd to me.  If I were God (Which everyone should be very grateful that I’m not) it seems that I would put things such as murder and hate crimes towards the top, while leaving things like “white lies” and inappropriate jokes down towards the bottom of my “things you must not do” list.  But the fact is that, as impossible as it is for me to understand it, God does view every sin equal.

I guess now looking at my life, with this idea in my mind, i realize that so often I justify what I do based on my own holiness without the thought of God in mind.  If I truly want to live for Him, doesn’t it just make sense to stop giving in? Yeah it might be hard sometimes, but if Jesus could do it, I have no reason not to do it myself.

To quote a hero of mine “Do or do not, there is no try”  - Jedi Master Yoda

I pray, but do not believe.

I speak, but do not understand.

I sing, but do not listen.

I sin…

And you still love me…

For this I am eternally grateful.

Carpe Diem…

The words Carpe Diem are a pair of Latin words which commonly are translated into the simple phrase of ”Seize The Day”.  After watching the move “Dead Poets Society” yesterday I started thinking about those words.  What does it mean to “Seize The Day”? 

In the movie, which is set in the 1950’s at an all boy boarding school, a small group of the upperclassmen of the school decide to start a secrete club named The Dead Poets Society in which they tell stories, tell jokes, break rules and read poetry.  At the beginning of every meeting they read an opening message. “I went to the woods because I  wanted to live deliberately. I wanted to live deep and suck out all the marrow of life. To put to rout all that was not life, and not, when I had come to die, discover that I had not lived.”

Upon hearing those words I started thinking about myself.  Checking to see if I have been living in a manner that I would consider to be “Sucking out all the marrow of life”.  Though I don’t quite agree with everything that was done in the movie in the name of “Carpe Diem”, I like to think of the phrase in a different perspective.

My eldest brother Justin was a musician and a writer, in 2004 the Lord decided to take him from this Earth to be with him at the age of 20.  Many of the things my brother wrote during his life are very important to me, but In my opinion, the most powerful things he ever wrote was the phrase “Wake up and see Death never sleeps”.  One of his main reasons for writing this was that someone very dear to him had passed away and although he had spent time with this person and had prayed for this person, he had no idea if they had accepted Christ as their personal savior.  With this lack of knowing whether or not he would ever see his friend again, Justin wrote these words saying that there is NO TIME to waste in this life. Not only do you not know how long you will be here, you also have no idea of knowing how long anyone else will be here.  This stirs my heart.  This has broken me to a point of finally taking action.  I have realized that this life is short.  And because of that, I must treat every day as if it could be my last but i must also treat others as if any day might possibly be their last day as well.

To the Christ Followers who read this, Jesus said in Mark 16:15 

“Go into all the world and preach the gospel to all creation.”.

If you pay attention to the life of Christ, you will realize that he doesn’t allow you waste time with earthly things. The Bible says When Jesus called his disciples in Mark 1:16-20

“As He was going along by the Sea of Galilee, He saw Simon and Andrew, the brother of Simon, casting a net in the sea; for they were fishermen. And Jesus said to them, “Follow Me, and I will make you become fishers of men.” Immediately they left their nets and followed Him. Going on a little farther, He saw James the son of Zebedee, and John his brother, who were also in the boat mending the nets. Immediately He called them; and they left their father Zebedee in the boat with the hired servants, and went away to follow Him.”

As I read those verses there are two things that catch my eye.  The first is that when Jesus called them to follow Him, just as in the poem from The Dead Poets Society says “To put to rout all that was not life”, they cast away their fishing nets and followed Him.  They cast away the old versions of themselves, removing everything that might hinder them, and just trusted and following him.  This is what he has also called us to do.

Secondly in the above verses the word ”Immediately” sticks out to me.  When Christ calls us to follow Him or to tell others about him, He wants us to do it immediately.  In Luke 9:59-60 speaking about Jesus, the Bible says

 ”To another He said, “Follow me.” But he said, “Lord, let me first go and bury my father.” But He said to him, “Allow the dead to bury their own dead; but as for you, go and proclaim everywhere the kingdom of God.”“

In these verses Jesus is not saying that burying your loved ones in bad or unimportant, He is simply saying that there is nothing at all that you should put in front of serving him and telling others of his great love.  This is your purpose, this is your commission.  Christ has sent us and we are His messengers to the entire world.  The world is rather large, so there is not a second to waste.

I will be the first to admit that truly living a life of Carpe Diem for Christ is far from easy.  And I will be the first to admit that failure is an almost daily reoccurring because of my sinful desires.  But I Pray that when I die I will know that I had truly lived, and I will stand before my God on the day of Judgment and He will say to me “Well done, my good and faithful servant”